Nice Guy Dilemma

How Being a Nice Guy is Killing Your Chances with Women - Part 1

September 02, 2022 Janelle Klander Season 1 Episode 6
Nice Guy Dilemma
How Being a Nice Guy is Killing Your Chances with Women - Part 1
Show Notes Transcript

So many nice guys aren't sure what they are doing wrong with women. They often think -- "why isn't being nice good enough?!" Alright, I want to help you out here, because that's what I do.  I help nice guys connect to their authentic power and I want to share about this huge blind spot many nice guys have.

Follow, subscribe, and if you want to take our relationship to the next level already — there is a link in the description to a Free 45 min training—> 5 simple shifts to Take a Stand and Become the Sovereign Man that Women are Looking for <---

And my website -->
https://www.niceguydilemma.com/

Book a call with me if you are curious about working together:
https://janelleklander.lpages.co/booking/

xo Janelle

What is up?  Hello, it's Janelle Klander, and you are listening to Nice Guy Dilemma Podcast. This is for men who consider themselves good guys, often introverts.  And if it's not clear to you how to have goals, stick to them, help others, know your values, set boundaries without being a selfish asshole, all while being the independent man that women are looking for, then you have come to the right place.

Good guys.  So I'm Janelle Flander. This is your first time here. I've been guiding folks for over 13 years now to access their power, connect to their purpose, improve relationships. And I'm not just a mindset coach. I focus on various aspects.  who you are because that's how I think we get the most transformation.

So we're going to be talking today about how being a nice guy is killing your chances with women. And there are some important truth bombs that are laid out in the episode that will make a difference in your life and relationships. So you want to make sure that you stay tuned until the very end. So The way this podcast is formatted is by sharing insights and stories, possibly even some humor, but, you know, we gotta be on that same level for that to happen.

You know what I'm saying? Like, it's funny when people put on dating apps like, I just like to have fun and laugh.  Alright, alright. But are we laughing at the same shit? Right? Cause if we're not vibing, if we're not laughing at the same things, then we're not laughing at the same things. Then you're not gonna be funny to me, I'm not gonna be funny to you. 

Something to think about, something to think about, so I'm not everyone's cup of tea, some people really like me, some people I've already lost, that's cool. So,  we're gonna get into things. I'm excited to get to know you, I'm excited, we're gonna get to know each other. I mean, you know, just psychically, but I'll get to know you, but anyway.

So, nice guy. I'm a get to the point kind of gal. We're like two minutes in, I'm like, let's not waste any time. I want to be there for you. I want to support you because that's like it kills me when I see like good guys I'm going to use the word nice guys today because I feel like a nice guy can have almost a little bit of like More of a negative connotation or at least that's where we're at in society But I feel like I know a lot of good guys I've seen a lot of good guys over the years and they're just there's some things that they're not showing up as full versions of themselves.

They're not showing up in their power and they're repelling women that maybe they could be really like connecting to, deeply connecting to.  So,  some we're going to talk about what it, first of all, what it means to even be a nice guy. Right? So if you're a nice guy, you're often putting others first. Right?

You, you know, you may have a fear of being rejected.  Although you think that you're doing a lot of things well, you're not. You don't end up getting the girl and you have doubts that you'll ever get the life that you want And often, you know, maybe don't believe in yourself. These are often like traits of this typical nice guy  So you may think that you're being nice,  but let's talk about that for a second.

So you're paying for a meal  opening doors  uh giving compliments  You let others choose things like hey, you know, i'm easy i'm easy whatever you want Whatever you want  you'll go above and beyond for others You  Yes, so does that sound like you relating? So  what is being nice mean anyway, right? So it's, it's, you know, giving pleasure, giving satisfaction to another person  being nice. 

And  if we're putting other people's needs before our own, and we're talking about that, well, we also have to talk about codependence. Yep, we're going to talk about codependence, but not in the incorrect way that a lot of people mention it, saying, um, I'm codependent, but they really just mean that they're dependent.

Dependency is a part of it, but there's another piece in there. So I want to tell you a story. I watched a video once with a group of low income kids. I think they were like, uh, they were wearing, like, Boys and Girls Club shirts.  And they offered these kids, This is like a news channel. They offered these kids their dream Christmas present, right?

So what they first asked the kid, what would be your dream Christmas present? And they all said whatever they wanted. Barbie house, computer, all this shit, right?  And then they asked like, oh, if you were to give a gift to a parent, what would you give them?  And they answered. Then they had must already asked these questions because they had all these gifts just waiting. 

So they brought out these gifts to them. So there's like, Hey, here's a laptop. And here's like a ring.  And then they tell the kids,  here are these presents. This is exactly what you asked for. This is what you wanted for one of your parents. And  you can either keep your present for yourself, or you can either take this present and then give it to your parent. 

Okay, so these kids, first reaction, devastated, super bummed, like they're like super excited to get their gift.  Um, and then they're like, oh man, now I'm faced with this dilemma. What to do?  Do I give the gift  to the parent? Or do I keep the gift? Okay. So all of them ended up giving the gift to the parent. 

And you know, of course they choose that. And then they're like, Oh, you're such a good person. You actually get to keep your gift too. So they all got to keep their gift in the end.  I think this is an interesting thing. When I, when I saw this video, I like to look at things from many different angles. It's not just one.

It's not like, Oh, this is good. This is bad  or neutral. There's a lot of different angles to this.  Right. So I feel like.  This demonstrates, could demonstrate a few different things, right? Like people, maybe people genuinely like giving  and they loved the idea of giving to a parent, right? Like  kids aren't given many opportunities to give something to their parent or a parent, especially, you know, these kids, they're probably, they're not getting an allowance.

Um, and it also perhaps, and these are just guesses, I don't know you guys, we're just, we're just guessing here. It also could demonstrate that it would be quite embarrassing or shameful  in front of the person, this interviewer, this fricking news station with a video camera is filming you.  How many people in that situation being filmed would say,  you know what, I'm going to choose this gift.

Like there's, you know, this.  It'd be embarrassing, it'd be shameful to be the person that chose a gift for yourself.  Perhaps that could be something to do with it, right? Because we are celebrated at a young age to put other people's needs before our own.  And we do a lot to avoid shame in our culture. A lot.

Yeah, sure. We would give up having a laptop so our parent could have a gift, even though we're like, no, I really want that fricking laptop. I would have liked. If in that scenario, let's just say a kid did choose the gift, I would like just as much celebration for that kid choosing the gift than a kid not choosing the gift. 

Why not? Why not?  Uh, okay. So we put a lot of emphasis on giving to others, knowing, maybe guessing what they want or need, right? So codependency in a relationship is, right? We have to think of it as an imbalanced situation where one person is, like, the person that's controlling, or helping, or fixing, or the caretaker. 

Right? So this behavior gets created typically, like, when a parent needs parenting.  Maybe they're immature, they have mental illness, addiction issues. It's actually coined. From when, um, you ha when a kid has, uh, a parent who is addicted to something, drugs, alcohol. And that kid ends up taking on some responsibilities as a parent, even if it's just mentally.

Like, oh man, I have to be the one to figure some things out because my parent is not really acting like a parent right now.  So, that's how it's coined, that's  most of how they talk about how it started. There's also examples of maybe you see.  Your, um, parents demonstrating that kind of behavior of like, Oh, we need to sacrifice ourself and our needs for other people. 

Or maybe somehow you just came up with it as an unconscious, subconscious strategy for you to try to get, be loved by your parents.  If I help them and if I don't have any needs and I just become small, then maybe they're going to love me. They're going to love me more.  So I had this with my mom. My mom's very private, so I'm not going to go into what this is about, but I was in.

Many situations, a child thinking, oh my God, I have to figure this out. And of course, I'm a kid. I'm not able to figure shit out. You know what I mean?  But there is a responsibility that I took on or thought I was taking on of, oh, I'm responsible for adult stuff. I'm responsible for my parents.  We take on the weight, right?

And how that, um,  how that transfers to just romantic relationships, that we show up in relationships trying to fix or save people.  And you abandon your needs and hyper focus on theirs.  Is this, does this sound familiar to you at all?  It's also quite vulnerable to focus on, like, your own shit. It's easier, like, okay, let's just focus on your problems.

That's less vulnerable for me, and let me just try to fix you. It'll be like a projection piece of it, too, control.  But we're all encouraged to focus on other people's needs before our own. Yeah, it's super normalized, super celebrated, like the example I just gave,  right? Saying yes. Saying yes to people when we really need no.

But a lot of times, you guys, we don't even know what our no is. Our no is so far back in storage, we're just like, I don't, was it no? Do I even have a no available? I don't even know if I have a no available. I'm just so used to saying yes.  So let's go back to being nice, right? Because being nice  Shows up.

There's an element of codependency that shows up a lot for guys that are showing up and being nice.  So, all right, you're paying for a meal.  You are giving advice. You're opening doors. You're giving compliments. You let others choose things. You know what? I'm easy. Whatever you want to do. You want to go to that restaurant?

I'm easy. It doesn't matter.  Maybe you are. Maybe you do care. Maybe that's the one restaurant, restaurant you didn't want to go to.  And overall, if you just go above and beyond for others, right?  So let's just take, let's just take a moment here and reflect on this question. What are your intentions?  So was that compliment coming from a genuine place, right?

Say you show up at a party and you compliment your friend's friend. There's a cute girl there. You compliment her.  Is it genuine or were you just saying it from a place?  of wanting her to like you?  Control.  Like you, you gave advice, but was it really just coming from you being uncomfortable with a problem or your need for control?

You need to fix it. It's codependency.  Is the smile  that's on your face coming from a genuine place  or is it there's loads of resentment underneath?  Are you frustrated that the girl you like isn't responding the way you want her to?  And you're being super nice.  Is all of your energy on other people's needs, that the relationship is not balanced and it's toxic. 

If you're abandoning yourself and you're just focusing on other people's needs, it's always going to be a toxic relationship.  Right? And if your intention just overall to be nice is a form of control, manipulation,  how nice is that?  So trying to please others, so trying to please others is not healthy for any of your relationships.

None of them.  And no, the opposite of being a nice guy is not being an asshole.  I am so sick of hearing that. It's not being an asshole.  It's not being a monster like Jordan Peterson says.  It's being authentic.  It's being true to yourself.  There may be times where people perceive you as being an asshole, but there's a very different energy.

If I'm showing up thinking, yeah, I'm going to be an asshole right now versus I'm going to show up and be true to myself. Completely different intention. We cannot confuse these. I'm really sick of all this like nice guy advice. Just being like, just be an asshole. Okay, so just be a dick for the sake of being a dick?

Or, is it coming from a genuine place when you actually have a boundary and you actually want to advocate for yourself and express yourself?  Big fucking difference, you guys. Big fucking difference.  So,  if you are not being true to yourself, and you are suppressing your feelings, needs, desires,  that is not healthy for you physically, emotionally,  mentally, spiritually.

It's not healthy for your relationships.  You're going to have resentment. Something's going to pop up when we suppress our stuff. We think, oh, it's not that big of a deal. They just wanted to,  uh, you know, I don't know. They just, um, wanted to go to that restaurant, but it was kind of the one restaurant I didn't want to go to.

And then, oh, and then she wanted to go somewhere else afterwards. And I didn't really want to go there either, but it wasn't that big of a deal. But then it kind of was because then this shit keeps piling up. Pretty soon you're picking a fight with her later, being passive aggressive, and  you don't, maybe you don't even know why you're doing it. 

If you don't have a high awareness of what's happening for you, there's different levels of awareness, you guys, so it's not just high or low, but depending on your level of awareness, you may not even realize this stuff is happening.  But we can't just suppress things. It's so much easier and healthier to just name something.

We don't have to spend hours talking about it. You just name it. I had something come up with a friend of mine today where we'd leave each other messages, um,  every day. So two, my two closest friends are guys  and this friend left me a message. I got triggered before I even, and I was like, you know what? I got triggered.

Not a high level trigger, a low level trigger. Nonetheless,  You know what? I don't want this to stay between us. So I was going to leave a message just naming what I was feeling.  Uh, before I did, he was already, he already left message and said, Hey, something about that didn't feel weird. And I just could imagine, I can tell it didn't land well with you and da da da. 

And then I said, Oh wow, I feel relieved to hear you say like, I felt, I got to share what I was feeling desiring. He shared what he was. And, you know, within minutes it's over. And guess what? I'm not carrying resentment. Transcribed He's not carrying whatever he was going to carry in the future. We can just clear the air of the thing and move on. 

When we suppress things, so if I'm just suppressing that little thing, not a big deal, then I'm suppressing something else, then I'm suppressing something else, that's going to show up in my relationship with him. Yeah, I'm going to probably be angsty about something or feel like pushing back on boundaries,  um, because I'm not being true to myself.

Express it, move on, great.  So,  here's the thing, when we can trust somebody to express their needs, the desires, feelings, we can create trust in the relationship. We can create a foundation in the relationship. We need trust.  So let's just say, let's just say you and I, we're on a date right now. Let's just say that, okay?

And you come back to my place, and  And, um, you've been doing some nice guy stuff, so, in the, in the evening, and it's not, it's not clear to me that, um,  you are gonna share what your needs are with me. So you come to my place, and I'm feeling some anxiety, and maybe, maybe I don't have awareness of where this anxiety is coming from.

I'm just knowing that I'm feeling anxiety when I'm with you, and then I'm like, oh, oh, is the, the AC, do you want the AC on? Or I'm like, I'm checking in with you with all this stuff. And some of them I'm not even thinking, maybe I'm just really distracted in my head because I'm just thinking, Oh, I don't know if this guy would actually express  what he needs.

Um, so I'm going to have to, I'm going to have, because he's in my lane, he's reaching into my world so much.  I'm going to have to reach into his world. So  this is above and beyond just being thoughtful. You guys, we could be thoughtful and, and, and put things out there to people. But when you can tell somebody spending all their time in your world, They're not in their world then that can kind of be like, oh shit Do I have spent all my time in their world now? 

There's no trust in this relationship. There's no trust This is one of the things I love about my two best friends. Is that I can trust them to Be honest, like they're both guys that have done a lot of work. They're continuing doing work and And me too.  Are we perfect at expressing our needs all the time?

No But we do have agreements that we can trust each other to really express  What if we do have a need, right? So that way we don't have to spend time managing. And if we do have a thought like, Oh, I'm just having this fear about this. We can just express it. But I have, I have created, established a good amount of trust in this relationship with these guys. 

So I feel a lot safer. So my, one of my biggest wounds is around safety. So psychological and physical safety. So a lot of like nice guys have the unworth wound cranked up pretty high. We all have it, but just, I just see them as like cranked up to certain degrees, certain levels. So if I feel like someone's being too pleasing and  I can't trust them to be authentic with me, what they're feeling, maybe I can't trust them to be angry at me or to share what they're feeling or needs, desires.

I feel unsafe. If I feel unsafe, I'm not attracted to a guy. I'm not going to get turned on if I'm not feeling safe. Now. I'm very sensitive to this kind of stuff. Maybe depending on other women have different things like the way that we like show up in relationships The way that we can connect  and also have friction is really based on wounding that creates our personality So because mine is around safety I guess like I said the friction there with the unworth wound You Um, I'm hypersensitive to that.

So yeah, I'm not even going to get turned on  if I'm feeling that from a guy, if I feel like I can't trust him.  So let's talk about manipulation.  So how much of this actions of being a nice guy is actually manipulation. So I was friends with, well, I guess I'm still friends with him, but I've been friends with this guy for a long time and he kind of would pop in and out of my life kind of based on If he was in a relationship or not, I kind of, I don't know if I was like a pseudo girlfriend to hang out with, but we hung out, we were buddies for a while.

And there's one time in our journey of being friends that we were hanging out and he was being extra like thoughtful to me. And I was like, Oh, that's really sweet. Like, you know, he's checking in and texting me and dah, dah, dah.  I didn't think anything of it. I was showing up the same way as I always showed up in the relationship. 

And at one point he got really pissed at me, really angry. We ended up just like not talking and it was not clear to me what happened.  I can imagine, huh, he's angry at me. I wonder if he has a crush on me and he's mad that I'm not responding the way he wants me to. So a year goes by, a year, a year and a half goes by maybe, and I run into him at an event and I'm like, dude, what happened back there?

Like,  yeah, like be honest, what happened back there? And he was like, Yeah, I liked you and you weren't doing what I wanted you to do. So I got angry at you.  So, so This is exactly what I thought happened. Happened. He's being really nice, but indirect. He's not saying, hey, look, you know, I have feelings for you. 

I'm not reacting the way he wants me to. He's trying to like sheepdog me.  in some way through his niceness.  I'm not responding to what he wants me to do and he gets super pissed at me and just shuts me out of his life.  Um, so I feel really grateful that he could admit that that was happening, right?  But this happens a lot when people don't even have awareness of what they're doing, where  a guy will be really nice and then yeah, the girl doesn't respond the way that he wants her to, but he's also not even being honest about what he needs or wants. 

And then  he just, he just is mean. Because the thing about you nice guys is that don't act like you're not passive aggressive. Or don't act like you can't get real mean. You can. I've seen it. I've experienced it. So this whole like, yeah, I'm just a nice guy. I'm just like totally nice. And I'm just like never passive aggressive ever.

No, you are, you get resentful. If you're someone that's living from a place of abandoning your needs so often, of course, you're going to have resentment. Of course.  It's just, of course that's going to happen.  So  we have to be aware of the manipulation,  um, no,  it's like you have to reflect on like no wonder women aren't taking you seriously if you're showing up in this way.

Like if you're relating to a lot of things that I'm saying so far,  that is a huge piece, something to really reflect on in your relationships, right? Because  you can't have healthy relationships if you're showing up with this manipulation and, um, inauthenticity. You can't.  You have to be authentic. You have to be true to yourself. 

So,  so, so what do you do? You want to be the type of man that women are looking for. You want to be able to have healthy relationship skills. Start by being aware of what motivates your actions.  How authentic are you showing up in your relationships?  How much have you expressed from, or how much have you suppressed from the past? 

And just like in general, how much resentment are you holding on to? Just do a scan of your relationships. What is your resentment baggage? Contemplate.  Tips can be kinda whatever, but when we can contemplate on some deeper things that can have bigger shifts. I want you to reflect.  Reflect on these things.

Reflect on whatever came back. What impacted you? What is something that I said that you were like, ooh, damn. Damn.  This, this is the things that are making a difference. Come back next week. Come back next episode. I'll be here. Let's hang out. We're just in a casual relationship right now. We're just, we're just casual.

But, but, if you want to take this to the next step, if you want to get a little more serious with me, you can, uh, click the link in the description. That's going to take you to a webinar that I have. It's 45 minutes.  Yep, yep, if you want to get to know, want to get to know me a little bit better. So that webinar is called, uh, Five Simple Shifts to Stop Being Overshadowed by Family.

Um, access your power so you can become the independent man women are looking for. I have some, some deeper stuff there and if you just want to keep it casual with me, let's just keep it, let's just come back next week. Just keep building this relationship and this podcast or maybe I already have the next episode out.

You can go listen to it right now if you're, um, if you're into the sound of my voice.  So it's so good to have you here. If you feel like you know some, some good guy friends that you feel like could really um, benefit from hearing this episode, please share it. Um, come back next week, click the link in the bio, and if there's anything that you're feeling really called to just share with me, then shoot me an email, info at  JanelleClander.

com. Uh, we'll see you guys next week.